As a child, I always dreamed of being like the fairytale princess who lost her glass slipper and found her prince charming. As a teenager, I dreamed of being married, having a couple of kids, living in a house with a wrap-around porch, 2 dogs, a horse....oh yeah, and a household that ran itself of course! As an adult, I realized that life is NOT a fairytale, and it doesn't always go the way you'd like. There's work, finances, arguments, diseases....and for me there was also the factor of infertility.
In 2005, my husband, W, and I started trying to build our family of 2 (3 if you count the dog!). I had actually always had in the back of my head that I would have problems conceiving. Perhaps it was the fact that my cycles had always been wonky, despite the doctor telling me "you're young, it'll work itself out." However, we weren't prepared for 3 years, 9 rounds of oral medications, laparoscopy, ovulation induction, OHSS, endometriosis, abnormal morphology, and especially our miscarriage.
Heartbroken, I questioned myself, my marriage, my God, and life in general. My grandfather (the only one I'd ever known) was diagnosed with end-stage cancer a few short months later. A week before I went to visit him, I found out I was pregnant again. I was scared to death and so W and I told no one. I spent a week with my grandpa, soaking in every moment and memory. The day we were leaving to head home, my sister and I went in to a closed-door room with him. He was having a good day and was pretty alert. I shared with him that I was pregnant and it was a secret. I cried as he reached out to hold my hand and tell me how much he loved me.
A few short weeks later, my grandfather passed away. At his funeral, it was amazing to see the lives he touched and the legacy he had left behind. It was right before thanksgiving, so I knew that the holiday would be difficult for everyone. It also happened to be when I was 13 weeks (aka the 2nd tri-mester...aka the promise land!). So, I put a 12wk u/s picture in a frame, and wrote a letter to my parents. I told them of how hurt I knew they were at the loss over my m/c and my grandfather. I told them of my secret conversation with my Pop. Then, I shared with them that although we may never know why things happen the way they do, I truly believed that I was able to be pregnant the 2nd time, because of my 1st pregnancy. I also believed that God knew we'd be hurting and would need something to be happy about and rejoice about, so He blessed us with this tiny miracle.
Seven months later, we welcomed our son, B. He has become the sun through my rainy days, and the laughter in my tears. I am amazed every day at the miracle of life I have been given. He has such a sweet spirit and love of life.
My life has not ended there. Because of my grandfather's death, I realized that I don't want to live my life with regrets or focus on the disappointments. I want to relish in the triumphs and take time to grieve in the struggles. Because of my Pop, life has become more about wanting to touch lives for the better. He was a pastor and an example of what it meant to stand for what you believe in and love people even when things are less than perfect.
Our family is not done yet. We are still on the path of adding more lives to laugh with, cry with, live with. We're not sure if that path includes treatment or adoption. We still struggle with the effects that infertility left on us. W and I don't have a perfect marriage. We work tough jobs as a firefighter and paramedic. He's not a good communicator, and I'm an emotional mess. However, this is our life. This is my life. I want to leave a legacy. A legacy of love, hope, and living life to the fullest.
